Setting smaller goals.

Ok, I have a lot of weight to lose. I know this. I have a goal weight of 150. This means I have 140 pounds to lose to reach my goal. It's a really big number but it's doable. I know how to get there. I know what I need to do to succeed. I know what I should and should not be eating. I know what exercise my body responds best to. I have successfully lost weight before. So why is this time so hard? Why does this feel like an ongoing struggle?

I always start out strong. I eat right, exercise, and the weight starts to drop right off. I feel amazing during this period. I start fitting into my cloths better. I have more energy. I feel good about myself. So why does that always come crashing down? I feel like I am a crash test dummy! Speeding forward only to hit a brick wall.

Well, I was reading something today that may give me a clue. I think the problem lie's not in my execution but in my goals!

You see until tonight my goal has been that big number. 140 pounds! That is huge. In my recent pursuit of weight loss glory I have been focusing on that number. In the past year there have been times when I was down 30 pounds or more. This seems like a big number until you put it up next to my goal.

140-30=110

I still have so far to go. I start to get depressed. I lose focus. I cry about the 110 instead of celebrating the 30. This causes me to lose motivation. "Why work so hard for so little results!?!" starts playing in my head. Then I start missing workouts. I start sleeping later. I start eating to drown out the noise in my head. The voices telling me that I have failed again, that I am worthless, that I will never beat this. It does not take long for me to end up back where I started, or worse. I find myself faced with that number again. 140. Always there, always tormenting me. I feel defeated, disgusted, and disgraced.

I am back at that number again. 140. It haunts my dreams and lurks around corners and in the shadows waiting for a chance to jump out and knock me down again. 140. Like the bully at school, whose greatest pleasure was the suffering of others. 140. My demon. 140. My constant companion.

Well not any more. I am not falling for that trap again. My goal is 10 pounds. I am going to celebrate that 10 pounds. I am going to treat it like the holiday that it is. 10 pounds is not only doable and realistic, but it's also a challenge. 10 pounds is a step in the process. 10 pounds puts me closer to the endzone. 10 pounds is my friend. My best friend.

And when I have reached that 10 pounds, when I have celebrated that 10 pounds, I will start to look forward, toward the next 10.

And the next.

And the next.

Till one day I will be standing at the other side of my nemesis. Till I have the upper hand in the fight with my bully. Till I am standing at the gates of 140 and laughing.

10 pounds. I can do that!

Happy Training,
Love Jenn

Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!





Love Jenn, Whit and Butter

Irrational Fears and Neurotic Tendencies: Part 2

As a continuation of my last rant (which you can find here if you really need to read it) I am about to leave for work and it's snowing fairly heavily. This brings to mind my fear of loosing control. This fear is especially bothersome when driving on snowy highways, which is what I am about to do! I am mostly sane on the straight aways but if I have to use one of those 360 off ramps I start to panic. There are two of them on the highways between home and work.

I think I am taking the back roads today.

Happy Training,
Love Jenn

Fourth Pic, Fourth Folder... Blah!Blah!

Ok so everyone and their uncle is doing this 4th pic in the 4th folder thing so I thought I would too! Why not? What could it possibly hurt, right?



A little over a year ago in September my friend Missi finally married a keeper! Doug is a good man and he not only loves her but he treats her with respect which is more than I can say for anyone else she has been with. She had an interesting wedding by most peoples standards. They had the wedding out at her farm. It was outside in a pasture area by the horse pens. The ladies rode down the "aisle" on horse back, which required me to be a horse wrangler in her wedding! (I always get weird looks when I say that.) In this picture Missi is showing off her new boots. She had just recieved them as a bridal gift the night before along with that hat. I had more fun at that wedding than any I have ever attended before or since.

I love Ya Miss Thang! Keep it real Girl!

If you would like to see more of the wedding pics you can check out my picasa album.

Happy Training,
Love Jenn

P.S. Whew! That was painless. I though I was going to end up with this photo.




I'm sure glad that didn't happen because then you all would just think that I was showing off!

Irrational Fears and Neurotic Tendencies: Part 1

Winter brings so much to my existence! I love it and hate it and love it again.




I love the snow. It brings back memories from my childhood like sledding and snowball fights. My brothers and I used to build snow forts and horde up as many snowballs as we could get our hands on. Then we would chuck them at each other with wild abandon! After all of the amo was spent we would try to build the biggest snowman in history (but the neighbors always had a bigger one, damn them). Which reminds me, is it possible to build a snowman without the little bits of grass getting stuck all over him? We never figured it out if it is. Our snowman always looked dirty!






I hate the snow. Roads are treacherous, sidewalk is treacherous, heck, even the front porch is treacherous. Especially when you have a fear of falling. It's funny really because I have fallen so many times and been ok, however my mind is a traitor and plays these little mini movies of people falling and breaking arms, legs, necks, and everything else! So of course every time I walk outside in the winter I have these mixed emotions, joy and fear! Love and Hate! The memories of happier times come flooding in along with the violent movies and leave me feeling overstimulated and exhausted. And this is before I have left my house!




I am such a total basket case sometimes! Hence the title of this post. Sitting here I know that my fears are funny really! I can laugh at them and tell myself that I am a fool, but that bravado changes when I step out of my door. I pretend to have it all together, I have been told how strong and brave I am, but in reality I am a festering lake of irrational fears and neurotic tendencies.




This is my confessional! Welcome aboard!

Happy Training,
Love Jenn

Hello Everybody!

I bet you all are wondering where I have been for the past week and a half.

No!?

You didn't even notice that I was gone? Really?

(sob) Way to hurt a girls feelings!

Well just in case there is someone that was wondering where I have been, here's the run down.

I have been doing a whole lot of nothing. I wake up, sit on my keester, read this blog, occasionally have some food, shower only if I have to leave the house, then head for bed and rest up for another long day of doing nothing. I don't know what has gotten into me this week but I am really feeling the bite of the lazy bug! I did not lose any weight on wednesdays weigh in. Which comes as no real surprise since I have not done anything. To give myself a little bit of credit, I do work my hiney off taking care of Mr. C and Lil Z. I even put in an extra day this week with them! So when I am home I just want peace and quiet and escape from the constant cleaning and laundry and fighting and laundry and cleaning that goes on at work. Plus I am fighting a loosing battle with yet another bug, the cold and flu bug. I have had a sore throat all week and if I end up with bronchitis again I am going to have real trouble as I am insurance free at the moment.

Ok enough of my whining! On to more important things. If anyone has a lot of time to waste they should check out the Pioneer Woman! I just love reading her blog these days! In fact I spent the past week and a half reading everything she has written because she is that funny. I am also loving her recipes. Most of them are not really healthy but they look delicious. I made her pot roast this week and it was to die for! I am going to try some of her other recipes for our thanksgiving dinner! Yummo!

Other than that I have been eating healthier. I have salad at least once a day and veggies all day long. Breakfast is usually cheerios or multi grain chex lately. This is probably why I didn't gain weight and if I had not been so lazy this past week I would have lost with this eating plan. Oh well. I will just have to re-dedicate myself again. I will keep trying until I get it right I suppose!

Well, take care my homies! I am going to get off of my hiney and get to work!

Happy Training,
Love Jenn

P.S. Winner's I have not forgotten about you I am just waiting for my next paycheck to send your loot on it's merry way! I would have done it with this weeks check except that I forgot to send in my time slip until it was too late and they don't cut last minute checks no matter how much you wine and cry! Even if you promise to be a good girl and do all your home work!

And The Winner Is!

Or shall I say winners... I couldn't choose between Brooke and Lauren so I will just give you both the prize.

Please email me at dragonscapes 24 at yahoo dot com with your snail mail and I will get you your prize!

Thank you to everyone who participated in my 21 day challenge. In a couple of weeks I will be doing it again so keep checking back.

On another note I lost 6 lbs this week! Yay me!

Happy Training,
Love Jenn

P.S. Sorry for the delayed reaction folks. My internet has been down for a couple of days. I was totally lost without it. I cried!

The Challenge is Over!

So how did everyone do? Leave me a comment and let me know!

Brooke already left her comment and you can read about her results over at her blog! Way to go Brooke!

As for me, I didn't quite make it through. Sometimes stuff happens, however in the end I was making the choice not to walk those days and I am accepting the responsibility for those choices. I will definitely do this again though so all of you will have another shot at the Michigan Mystery Grab Bag! (or whatever it was that I called it)

So everyone has until tomorrow to leave their comments at which time I will choose the winner!

Prizes are fun!

Also, for any of you feeling discouraged because you didn't make it through. Please watch this video. You will be inspired to get up and try it again.



Happy Training,
Love Jenn

I call her ButterBall!

... Not because she resembles one in any way! In fact she is quite cute and cuddly.




I call her ButterBall because she is a little Turkey!




Like yesterday when she stole the other half of my cookie! (I really wish that I had gotten a picture of her with the cookie in her paws, but I was too frustrated with the little turkey.)



So without further ado, I give you the conversation that Whit and I had last night.

Scene:Dark Bedroom

Jenn: Hey Honey, I think I have a ButterBall pressed against my leg.

Whit: Well go put it back in the freezer. It will go bad in this bed with us.

Jenn: Yeah, maybe I should go put it back.

Whit: Please do, I don't want to wake up to the smell of Funky Turkey!

Jenn: (laughing) You said that and my mind went straight to that really bad dance called the Funky Chicken!

Whit: Well I don't want to smell any of that either.

Jenn: What exactly does bad dancing smell like?

Whit: Hair spray and spandex!

Jenn: (laughing uncontrollably) I have to remember this conversation!

Whit: Are you going to blog it?

Jenn: Yepper!

Yeah, we are total freaks! This conversation is not even close to our normal goofyness!

We ended the night with.

Jenn: Goodnight goofball, I love you more than most!

Whit: Goodnight Foosball, I still love you more!



Yeah, he called me Foosball.

Happy Training,
Love Jenn

Long Over Due

I really am struggling with keeping up with my fitness and diet goals. It is so frustrating when I can be knocked off the wagon so easily and then have to struggle back on and try again. I do keep trying but until I can make it a consistent habit to exercise and eat right I am not going to get anywhere! I blame my disordered life but really I am getting everything pretty organized these days. I blame my hectic schedule but it's not that hectic anymore. I blame depression but the depression is mild and is mostly caused by my unfit lifestyle.

I can't keep laying the blame on everything in my life when in the end I am making the choice to exercise or not, I am making the choice of eating a salad or cake! My disordered life, hectic schedule and mild depression are not making these choices for me! I have to learn to own my choices and understand that in the end I am the only one who can take the blame for the way my day is going.

I have gained back every bit of weight that I have lost. Yeah, I said it! I am back to only working out occasionally (usually with Whit pushing me every step) and to eating whatever I happen to feel like (which is generally something that is processed and easy). All of my aches and pains have returned and I can't tell you when the last time was that I got in a full 8 glasses of water in a day.

I have got to change this pattern!

I have been reading Annette's Awakening for a while now and her story is a lot like mine, with one exception! She changed! She made the decision to be healthy and then she did it. She got on that wagon and rode it to a 70 lb weight lose! She learned to own her choices and it is paying off immensely for her!

I want that too!

So for the first time I am posting pictures of myself, right now, the way I am today. I am posting my numbers. I am posting my fitness level. I am basically opening myself up for everyone to see! I want a clean slate to draw my life on! So consider this post the cleaning of the slate. Tomorrow is a new day and I am going to embrace it anew!

Front view:



Side view:



Back view:




Goal Pants (These fit me at the beginning of the year. Now I couldn't hope to get them on):



(I had no idea that I looked like that. Seeing these pictures for the first time nearly made me cry. I have an image in my head of what I look like and that is not it at all. I have got to get this figured out, I don't want to be that person in the picture anymore. )

My numbers (in inches):
Bust=55
Chest=45.5
Waist=51
Hips=61
Thighs=33
Knee=22.25
Calves=18.5
Ankles=10.25
Upper Arms=19.25
Lower Arms=12.5
Wrist=7.25

Weight=295lbs

Fitness Level:
Push Ups= 0
Sit Ups= 0
Running= 15 seconds

I look forward to seeing those numbers change as the weeks and months pass by! I am going to weigh in every week but I will only do the photos and measurements once a month! For now I am going to work on walking every day and eating every 3 to 4 hours. I will make more changes later as I get used to this first part of my journey. I will think of it as if it was the Oregon Trail Game and do my best to make decisions that will enable me to continue on this bumpy wagon trail!

Thank you to all of my blogger friends who have stuck with me through it all. I sure hope you can hang on a little longer because I really appreciate you all and look forward to your comments and encouragement!

Happy Training,
Love Jenn

I'm a Convert!

As a cashier I always got so annoyed with THOSE women! You know the ones with two carts full of merchandise and a coupon for everything. These were the women that haggled with me over prices and left stuff with me if I would not take the coupon. It drove me crazy!




Well, things have changed since then. I am now one of THOSE women! I have been looking at ways to organize and streamline life these days and one thing that I have always been horrible at is grocery shopping. I go in with a list (if I remembered to bring it) and when I get to the checkouts I realize that not only did I not get all of the things on my list but I am now spending at least 50 dollars more than I planned to on things that I picked up along the way. I always ended up starring dumbfounded at the monitor as the cashier was scanning my order and wondering exactly where I had lost control of this trip.




My Mom in Law, Mary is an amazing shopper! She is one of THOSE women. She gets everything on sale and not only does she clip coupons, she actually uses them. I can't tell you how many times she has said "Oh hold on, I have a coupon for that!" or " I got this for you because it was on sale and I had a coupon so it only cost me (insert some ridiculously low price here)!"


I am in awe of her ability to stretch a dollar!



Which brings me to this week. We only had a little money to spend on groceries and a long list of items we needed to get, so I was busily trying to decide what items on our list could be skipped so that we could spend as little as possible. As I am sitting there glaring at the grocery list, I happened to glance at the newest Kraft Food & Family Magazine that was sitting in front of me. It was open to a page with a recipe for Taco Soup! It looked so good and I really wanted to make it for Whit but I knew that there was no way I was going to be able to get the ingredients on our tight budget. So I flipped the pages for a minute while I tried to collect my thoughts. I finished the magazine and moved on to the ads portion of the mail. I usually throw this stuff out without even looking at it but for some reason I didn't today.




And boy am I thankful that I kept them because the first thing I saw was the Kroger circular. Now normally I don't shop at Kroger because their prices are astronomical, however they have some pretty amazing sales to make up for it. Looking through that ad I noticed a lot of the things on my list were on sale this week. Making a Kroger shopping list reminded me of Mary, who shops Kroger sales religiously! Thinking of Mary brought me to coupons. I knew I was too late for the Sunday circular but I also knew that you could often get coupons online that you can print for free! So I started searching for Free Printable Coupons. I had to weed through some unuseful web sites but eventually I came across the Coupon Mom! I can't even describe how amazing this website is! It teaches you how to combine coupons with sales to get the most products at the least cost. She even shows how to get some things for free!

Last night was our first attempt at using the Coupon Mom system and at first I wasn't so sure it would work, Whit was on the skeptical side too, but we printed and clipped coupons, made a shopping list for both Kroger and Meijer (based on sales ads) then headed to the stores to test out the system ourselves.

Here are the results:
Kroger
Total bill= $144.80
Total coupon and sales savings= $80.14
Total money spent= $64.66
(We actually saved more than we spent)

Meijer
Total bill= $50.33
Total coupon and sales savings= $21.85
Total money spent= $28.48
(That's almost a 50% reduction in our bill)

I was so proud of myself for doing the work and saving so much money! I actually called Mary to tell her how great I did! I am looking forward to using the Coupon Mom site more extensively and saving even more money! By the end of the night it was actually feeling a bit like a game. I am calling the game "Groceries For Free" and the object is to spend as little money as possible on everything I purchase. Anyone else want to play?

Happy Training,
Love Jenn

P.S. Thanks for being my inspiration Mary! We love you!

21 day challenge... Week Two Update!

Well due to issues beyond my control, my walking has been halted nearly all week. I am going to do my best to put in a good showing for this last week of the challenge however. How are the rest of you doing?

Also, thank you all so much for the kind words. Whit's grandpa was laid to rest on Saturday afternoon and then Saturday night grandpa's only son had a son! (Well to be fair, Molly had the little wolff pup) So I guess that the most appropriate thing I can say is "Life Goes On"!

Hope you all are doing well!



Happy Training,
Love Jenn